A hard conversation softened
"Daring leaders say the unsaid, unsurface what's been pushed down, and bring to light the stuff that's in the shadows and in the corners." Brene Brown
I've heard the term 'hard conversation' used when talking about leadership and culture in a company. Indeed hard conversations must be had but few really understand how to have them. Hard conversations run the spectrum - not having them at all, to overly soft, to way too harsh. I'm a firm believer in the softer approach to leadership. I used the harsh approach as a young officer in the Army and it was ineffective. Yelling, especially in today's environment, will only result in fight or flight. All is lost when that occurs. Take a softer approach.
The first thing which must be established is a trusting relationship. A hard conversation on day one of a person's employment is a bad idea. Work to build trust through getting to know those you lead and interacting with them in social settings. Demonstrate your loyalty to them by backing them up and underwriting their failures. Do not sweep failure under the rug, just give them top cover, then address their failing. Hard conversation time.
A hard conversation is defined by the controversial nature of the subject, such as substandard performance or failure. These conversations can spark emotions, thus making it hard to conduct them. Soften them with your tone. Voice inflections in a hard conversation may be interpreted as anger. Speak in a calming tone. Get the subordinate talking and engage in active listening. "What happened John?" "What did you expect for an outcome Megan?" "Can you share your thought process with me Bill? I want to help but need to understand how you approached that problem." Often the person will confess their fault(s) making it a bit easier to navigate the conversation. Begin these conversations by stating the central topic. "Lorie, I want to talk about last month's missed sales goal. My only objective here is to help and to see how I might alter my leadership to achieve a better result." In this scenario, you, the leader, are taking some pressure off the individual. They may be more inclined to admit their fault(s) and commit to improving.
Use the company's mission, vision, or values, your boss's intent, or the greater team as backing for your conversation. "For the sake of fairness to the team, I need to talk to you about your tardiness Matt." "Marsha, I know Larry, our boss, had another outcome in mind. Did he not explain it clearly?" In this scenario, instead of, "what part of his intent did you not understand?" or "This isn't what Larry had in mind. What were you thinking?", you can place the emphasis on Larry instead of Marsha - a softer approach.
Avoid offering excuses such as, "I'm not saying...", or qualifiers such as "I know what you are thinking." Engage in an exploratory conversation as if you were having a cup of coffee with a friend. Don't stray from the objective - calling out something bad or inefficient, but take it easy.
Even with a softer approach, you may experience fight or flight in an individual. They may fail to admit fault, take ownership, or even pin blame. In these cases, stay calm but try to confirm that is what they are actually doing. "Oscar, I want to understand this clearly - you see this as Heather's fault and none of yours." In cases such as these, you can turn to the values of teamwork, ownership, and selflessness. Oscar might need some schooling or, if he cannot share the blame, he may just be a bad teammate.
Hard conversations will always be hard. Take a softer approach. Don't practice too much. Don't overthink the conversation. Just jump in and take it easy. It's your leadership duty.
Make it Personal!
Rob
Rob Campbell