3 Ways to Talk to a VeteranAbout Afghanistan
My latest writing on the aftermath of Afghanistan. Share this with your people and let us start the conversation.
3 Ways to Talk to a Veteran About Afghanistan
I continue to watch — with bewilderment, anger, and sadness — the aftermath of our 20-year war in Afghanistan. Long after my own time on the ground in Afghanistan and years since retiring from the Army, I’m still immersed — heart and mind — in this war. In recent weeks, I’ve found that I’m reading more and watching more about the war, the country, and the world’s reaction. Doing so is a complicated emotional venture. Consuming all the news stories and social media content have helped me to process my thoughts and validate (or challenge) my perspectives ... but I’m not sure if it’s really helping.
Watching the television news certainly doesn’t help, because it seems focused — almost exclusively — on finger-pointing and partisanship. Day after day, hour after hour, I watch yet another briefing by a national leader, celebrating the success of the “lifeboat” that performed valiantly after they caused the “ship” to sink. It seems to me that the media (and the civilian population) are focused almost singularly on what happened in August 2021 and affording almost no thought to what has happened in Afghanistan every day since 2001. Twenty years ... I want to reflect on all 20 years. But few journalists or politicians or military leaders or friends want to talk about the entire war; maybe it’s too complicated or maybe it’s just not “newsy” or sexy or sensational enough right now to talk about an era when it’s easier to talk about a moment. I keep tuning in to all that media though, desperate for emotional clarity and peace, and finding none. Each image of the Taliban parading around Kabul adds yet another scar to the ones I already have from my two tours of duty in Afghanistan. For some of us, the war hasn’t truly ended; it continues ... now, in new ways.
As a veteran, I am not alone in what I am experiencing. The bewilderment, anger, and sadness are not my own to bear. I’ve witnessed these same emotions through conversations and social media activity with my veteran brothers and sisters. They understand. Among those I have been connecting with to keep this conversation alive are veterans of Vietnam — those brave men upon whose shoulders today’s warriors stand. Vietnam veterans bring a unique historical perspective to this unraveling in Afghanistan, having themselves watched the unraveling of South Vietnam in 1975.
This moment of overwhelm doesn’t belong to veterans alone, though. Civilians, too, have a significant stake in our national security and an understandable curiosity and concern for how, when, where, and to what ends our military servicemembers are deployed around the world. Since the withdrawal of our troops in Afghanistan, I’ve also noticed those who did not serve in uniform — the greater American population — are struggling greatly to understand what happened and how we veterans feel about it. Some ask outright; others tiptoe carefully, wanting to ask but afraid of saying the wrong thing. I sense their fear to engage in this conversation with a veteran, but I don’t want the fear to stop us. These military/civilian conversations must occur if we are to prevent this from happening again. I want to help. And I’m going to try. My previous article, “The Train Has Wrecked: A Veteran’s Thoughts on Afghanistan” (published originally on LinkedIn and used as the basis for subsequent media interviews and publications) was written, in part, to help non-veterans understand what is happening, why we were there in Afghanistan for the past 20 years, and why we failed.
I’m not surprised by this non-veteran fear and reluctance during this unique moment in American and world history. I think the reluctance is a result of the chasm formed between veterans and society when we went our separate ways after 9/11. We don’t really know each other, but it’s time we did. We’re in this together, and we’ve always been. But during distinct moments in American history, it certainly didn’t feel that way. Today’s veterans, thankfully, enjoy an outpouring of love and support that Vietnam veterans did not. And support matters. The military cannot effectively fight without a nation’s leaders and its population behind it. I’d argue that while the support and commitment of our American national leaders can be questioned, the citizenry has — these past few decades — had our back even they didn’t understand us. We veterans deeply appreciate this outpouring of love and support; and while it sustains us, it is not enough.
It's time for something more. Veterans will be watching Afghanistan under Taliban 2.0 and it will hurt. We want to and need to talk to you about it. We want to learn and grow together, not in our isolated communities and closed social media groups. Talking about Afghanistan for a veteran can be very therapeutic. My second book, At Ease. Enjoying the Freedom You Fought For, about military transition, was very therapeutic for me to write. It allowed me to express the feelings I was having and do so in a productive, objective way (on paper) as I dealt with the stressors of transition. Conversation can serve the same purpose.
Sebastian Junger in his book, Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging, introduces self-determination theory to his readers in this way: “… human beings need three basic things to be content. They need to feel competent at what they do, authentic in their lives, and connected to others.” We all need this sense of competence, authenticity, and connection, and perhaps veterans need it especially.
Here are three ways you can help a veteran achieve self-determination through conversation. I submit, in so doing, you’ll find value and happiness in your own life.
1. Give us something to live for. Honor our service even in a failed war
Junger continues in his book, “Today’s veterans often come home to find that, although they’re willing to die for their country, they’re not sure how to live for it.” This speaks to the affluence and entitlement veterans witness and the isolation they feel after military service. Servicemembers come from a place where selfishness, self-promotion, entitlement, and even affluence are alien concepts. While in uniform, they live for their brothers and sisters, they are committed to something greater than themselves. Assimilating back into civilian society is a tough adjustment for us and our families and, as we embark on our post-military journeys and ponder our service, we need to know that what we did meant something. Right now, this is particularly hard. The sloppy exit from Afghanistan certainly makes this harder than at other times in history, but there are facts that can help you in this conversation. You should know that, as a result of U.S. and coalition forces on the ground in Afghanistan, life improved for Afghans:
Infant mortality rates dropped.
Afghans experienced greater education and healthcare opportunities.
There were even places where the government, military and the police served the community well.
Women were given rights, education, and positions of leadership.
This experience, this taste of a better, freer life will not be forgotten by those who remain in Afghanistan. As Afghanistan finds its own way, its people will remember the 20-year period of relative peace and prosperity which was delivered on the backs of military servicemembers. That means something. Their service is not in vain nor did the fallen die in vain. They will forever remain a shining example of service, sacrifice, and patriotism for our country. Please honor us in word and deed. Questioning the war as a whole (as many are doing right now) diminishes us personally and collectively. What we did mattered. Do not ever forget that.
2. Check on our health
Instead of “thanks for your service,” ask a veteran how they are doing. Heartfelt questions matter more than ever right now:
Ask how their health is and how they are coping with life after the military.
Ask them what the hardest part of transition is or was.
Ask them how current events in Afghanistan impact their health.
Show genuine interest, then probe them a bit by saying, “tell me more.” Remember that it’s not just combat veterans who experience physical and mental health issues. All veterans cope, at least to some degree, with a sense of disconnection. Leaving behind a band of brothers and sisters upon our separation from service causes us stress. No longer having a mission or a “cause” that is bigger than ourselves as we enter a well-meaning society that doesn’t understand us — that, too, causes stress.
So ask the veterans in your life what they miss about the military, and what they wish non-veterans would understand better. You don’t have to deliver a cure; you can do a lot by just listening. Ask a veteran how their family is doing. Family members, often forgotten when we think about veteran issues, suffer too — differently from how veterans suffer, but their trauma and transition and sense of disconnection can be acute. The simple act of showing interest through conversation can go a long way to healing the invisible wounds many veterans carry around with us every day.
3. Ask our opinion
Start the conversation asking about us, showing genuine care and honoring our service, but don’t miss an opportunity to gather the perspective of a veteran on Afghanistan. Strive to keep politics out of the conversation. It is risky in any conversation. Many veterans will opt to remain apolitical. It is part of our military DNA. Some will have political opinions and even criticism, but political conversations tend to drag us down, anger us, and take us backward instead of forward. You can entertain their political perspective and rants but ask them, “How can the military and the nation learn and move forward?” I submit, this conversation between you and a veteran, the answer to this question, is the start of learning and moving forward. Offer readings, videos, or podcasts you believe might help them. Ask them where you can go to learn more. Be a resource for and a student of each veteran you meet.
Take Three Steps Toward a More “United” United States
These suggestions might sound simple (and they are); now for you to act upon them. Please, for the sake of our nation and as a way to find a silver lining in this moment of history, please do just three things with and for the veterans in your orbit: Honor our service, check on our health, and ask our opinion.
Don’t have any veterans in your family or friend group or at your place of work? We aren’t hard to find. There are over 19 million U.S. veterans (over 800,000 who deployed to Afghanistan). Though that is less than 6% of our country’s population, veterans are everywhere. We are on almost every college campus, we’re driving trucks on America’s highways, we’re coaching baseball teams, working in your company, and living in your neighborhood. You might notice a military-like discipline through our words and actions, or you may notice a bumper sticker, license plate, t-shirt, or tattoo that indicates military service. You don’t have to look far. We’re here, and we welcome conversation.
While the war is done, Afghanistan — and our national conversation about it — is not. For the foreseeable future, alarming stories and footage will surely continue to make the headlines, each of them affecting veterans and their families. Whether you’re a business owner or executive, a college professor, or a kind-hearted neighbor, remember that veterans don’t need a free lunch, a hunting or fishing retreat, or even a “thank you for your service.” We didn’t volunteer for military service for those reasons. And while most of us do a pretty good job staying connected to our veteran “tribe,” we need more than that. We need a friend. We need you.
I’ve made some great non-veteran friends in my encore life and career. I’ve learned a tremendous amount from them. We have more in common than you might think. Here and now — in post-Afghanistan 2021 instead of post-Vietnam 1975 — we have an opportunity to come together as never before. Veterans and civilians opening their hearts and doors to one another, you and me getting to know one another and coming to discover we’re not so different after all. If there is any hope or good to come from our longest war and its dreadful ending, it may be that we as an American community (and an international community) of servicemembers and civilians finally come together to know and understand each other on a deeper level. It starts with a conversation.
Rob Campbell
Colonel, U.S. Army Retired
Rob Campbell